bad advertisement

here's an ad i found in an east cobb coupon/ad booklet.  it totally sucks.  i bet you a lot of money that the chick who created it thinks it's pretty fly.  and while it's true that i have little appreciation for photos of random people's kids, the main problem i have with this ad is that nowhere does it explicitly state what goods or services the company provides.

this is all well & good...but what do they sell?

after a few seconds of glancing at the ad i came to the conclusion that this store sells toys and possibly other items for children. but that's only an educated guess. since they don't tell me what their products or services are, here are other viable possibilities:

1. talent agency for kids
2. daycare/babysitting service
3. pest control
4. construction and heavy equipment rental (maybe)
5. coffee shop

maybe you are thinking, "who gives a rats ass, it's a stupid boutique store that you'll never visit," but let me tell you: this blog exists so that i have a public forum to make fun of dumb people and stupid stuff.

my mom used to keep me on a leash

yesterday i went to the airport to meet my mom upon her return from san francisco. there were some little kids running back and forth in the arrivals area, they were running into stuff and rolling around on the ground, getting in other peoples way, and having a blast as you can see from the video.  before i shot this clip it took me a few minutes to pinpoint who was in charge of these little hellions - no one in the vicinity seemed to be watching them.  i'm not even sure what my point is.  perhaps i am a bit envious of the freedom parents give their children these days, because when i was that age my mom kept me on a leash.  really, she did.  it was pink and had a harness. 

where's the parent?


wait a second, i do know what my point is:  if you take young kids into a very busy public place you should probably watch them a little closer. at least make sure they don't hurt anybody (or themselves, i guess) or piss other people off. and when they are disruptive, you should apologize profusely for your negligent parenting. heh. those of you who are parents are probably shaking your heads in disapproval thinking, "oh yeah? you'll understand when *you* have kids." maybe so. but for now, i'll keep whistlin' the same tune. and ps, i don't even wanna join your secret club but thanks for the well-wishes (weeks, plz don't flame me in the comments section).

"If you drive by UGA campus with your windows down they'll just toss the diploma inside your car."

i offer you this video:


disregarding the content, this has got to be the most poorly made video i've seen. ever. everything sucks - the singing, the acting, the videography, the lighting, the audio, the cast, the words to the song...i could go on. and it's funny because someone probably worked very hard on this production. and i get it - you've got a "flip" video camera and a macbook, whoopidy-doo. i mean, you don't see me trying to change the oil in my car, bake fancy cakes, or mend my own clothes. why? because i suck at these things and the results would be embarassing. so, just because you CAN doesn't mean that you SHOULD.

but seriously, i do feel bad for the people i know who went to uga and actually have talent and...no, no, i can't even say it. hah!! uga sux.

beer can technology

as andy & i were tapping the rockies aka drinking coors light this past weekend we noticed how the cans are just riddled with ridiculous features: wide mouth, vent, and color-change can. i hope you like my graphic. yeah, these cans have been out for a few years. so all that time prior to 2007 i've been screwed out of complete beer consumption efficiency!!! i feel a bit...cheated. i mean, we sent a man to the freaking moon a long ass time ago, but this kind of technology doesn't surface until now? someone explain that to me.


if you haven't seen the color-changing can, here's the deal: the mountain graphic on the front turns blue when the beer is at optimal drinking temperature. this is neat, but totally useless - i think i know what "cold" feels like. so how about this: spare me the "technology" and just charge less for your beer. that'll do.

my brother would have made a better "the bachelor"

omg did you see the bachelor last night?! total craziness!! you must watch the aftershow. if you haven't seen any of it, don't worry, the following post won't spoil anything important.

i had a lot of problems with this season.

1. deanna. girl, next time, when trying to convince an ex that he should get back together with you, never show up wearing the frumptastic getup that you sported with jason. it didn't do you any favors. if anything, it made us notice the weight you gained after your season was filmed, aka after jesse dumped your ass. sheesh. and to think that i used to like you (refer to post from 06.05.08).


2. where were the "women of color" in the top 25 or whatever? yeah, raquel was from brazil and had somewhat of an exotic look about her (as well as a jacked up grill), so i guess she's the token minority. anyone who looks "ethnic" in the photo just has a fake tan. actually, wait. i think the girl in the orange dress is asian. i recall her name as julie, or something equally non-asian. i remember cheering for her on looks alone, but then she turned out to be really weird. nevermind.

3. jason is pathetic: while lying on the bed with melissa jason uttered the words "what are you thinking?" video coming soon. i tell you right now, if andy said that to me in a moment of intimacy i think i'd flip my shit. those words belong to women.

4. jillian. where did they find this girl (don't say "canada," because that's not what i mean). i really really wanted to like her. but i couldn't. i'm probably one of the few who didn't enjoy her kind of crazy. she blew it for me with her hot dog theory. not only was her "theory" totally unfunny, but the way she pronounced the words "hot" and "dog" made me squirm. and you know, sometimes i like the quirky girls (if you could call her that). but usually the quirky girls don't talk so damn much.

5. what happened to the initial whittling down of the women show? many seasons ago they'd show you a bunch of strange (but still hot) girls that got through the initial screening rounds, american-idol style. each girl would get a few minutes alone with the bachelor and then the bachelor would narrow it down to the 25 or so girls he wanted in the house. what happened to that? now the first thing we see are the top 25 bachelorettes all glammed up beyond recognition, stepping out of limo to meet the bachelor for the first time. all of the awkwardness and none of the hilarity. i need to see the stupid human tricks!!

p.s. - i often refer to my addiction to reality tv as a guilty pleasure. andy hates this, and states that it's definitely not a *guilty* one, as i feel no guilt while/after watching.

quite a productive weekend

so andy says to me, "last night i was watching the video game awards..."

good grief.

---

on a related note, i played some old nintendo games this weekend. andy & i spent the weekend with our friends naomi & brandon at their new house in newnan. brandon has some old game system emulators on his xbox and i spent about 2 hours reliving my childhood. here are my reviews.

• paper boy:
  
  i figured i would rule at this game since it's been at least 12 years since i last played, but i totally sucked. the concept is ridiculously simple, but it has got to be the hardest game ever. i throw a paper a little too late, which breaks my subscriber's window and for some reason that doesn't count as a delivery? they got their paper, didn't they?! infuriating.
  
  
• bubble bobble:
  
  i never played this much as a kid, but i remember spending hours watching my brother & his friend chris play it. if you're not familiar with this game, don't waste your time because it is nowhere near as awesome as i remember it being. it has the same music in each level. don't blame me if you can't get the tune out of your head after watching the video...
  
  
• adventure island 2:
  
  for some reason the original adventure island was not available through the emulator so i had to settle for #2. like bubble bobble, this game is nowhere near as awesome as i remember. andy made fun of it and called it a mario rip-off. i was like, "no way this is totally different," but as i played it...yep...just like mario. the main character rides a dinosaur that looks a lot like a pokemon, although i cannot recall which one.
  
  
• excitebike:
  
  this game did not disappoint me; it was just as cool as i remembered it. check it out here.
  
  
• 1943:
  
  this was probably my favorite game when i was younger. i remember renting it numerous times, and then i got it for my birthday when i was like, 8 years old or something. the music is pretty good.
  

while i'm reminiscing on the days of nintendo goodness, check out this video. sometimes i sing this commercial to andy and he thinks i'm making it up. never!

damn i love me some tv

oooh, oooh! tv time. it is the bestest time. right now i am trying to blog whilst watching the finale of america's next top model. eh, who am i kidding. i can't do *anything* and watch antm at the same time. this show gets 100% of my attention. so, i'll be back in a bit.

--

alrighty. tyra just crowned another winner of antm and i am sad because once again there will be this huge void in my life... so thank goodness there are more shows to watch:

• the biggest loser
  
  this show makes me feel skinny and awesome. there's a lady on this season (the family edition) - vicky - and she pisses me off so bad. she's this hulking, manipulative troll, and while she is looking better since she's dropped some serious poundage, she is as mean as ever. also, she has a son named chance. i have a problem with that. i think it's a good name for a dog, not a human. unfortunately vicky is doing well in the game much to my (and my friend naomi's) dismay. naomi & i have gotten into this groove of emailing each other our frustrations over the show, usually right after it airs. here's a snipppet:
  
  "omg...vicky. i despise her! everytime she opens her mouth or does one of her evil looks i have to turn to brandon and say "WHAT A BITCH!" she needs a beat down..... i will be anxiously waiting for her to be voted off. and yes, heba is a retarded fat cow and she is next in line on my hate list."
  
  dude. harsh. naomi, you are a bad, bad girl.
  
  
• stylista
  
  ah. another elimination challenge show. this gem is from the makers of top model and project runway and is a huge waste of time. which means i'm watching it. the contestants are vying for an internship as a fashion editor at elle magazine. think the devil wears prada as a reality show.
  
  
  
• paris hilton's my new bff
  
  this really needs no explanation. and i am not going to apologize for watching this.
  
  
• the real housewives of atlanta
  
  they've got more money than they've got sense, but i'll still watch 'em on tv. the show follows 5 ladies from atlanta (well, metro) and features footage of their day-to-day activities, relationships, and personal projects. all of it is complete rubbish. all of these gals have personal assistants, chefs and stylists, but one actually has a personal shoe salesman. i can understand having a chef, a maid, and all that, but come on. makes me sick because that shoe dude probably makes way more $$ than i do. he's gotta be laughing all the way to the bank. so one chick (the only white one) is an aspiring country singer which makes absolutely no sense because she can't sing, oh but wait, she knows dallas austin and she thinks he's actually going to produce her album. she's totally nasty. as my brother would say, "money can't buy class." the lady with the shoe man is trying to launch a clothing line, and it's laughable because she just pays other people to do the work - as in, she has to hire someone to sketch for her since she is obviously talentless, and you better believe another person does the sewing, and then someone else does marketing, etc. most of the show focuses on how they are all two-faced backstabbing whores. they insist they all knew each other before the show, but i'm not buyin' it.
  

wow is that it? i seem to be slacking on the number of series i am watching. oh, i was totally watching project runway season 5 and top design, both on bravo, and both are over now. this was my first season watching project runway and i'm an addict now. top design was stupid but i got sucked in early so i had to finish it out. right. now i'm just waiting for the apprentice to return and i will be happy.

tastes like burning

new food in my neighborhood:

pollo brassa - this is a casual rotisserie chicken place in the old giorgio's pizza location across from post collier hills apartments. peruvian flare. i feel bad making judgments on this place since it's very new and they don't really have their shit together, but i'll give you the scoop. really tasty chicken. weird atmosphere. still feels like giorgios except it's brighter and there's no pizza. they need to ditch the foam cups and plastic cutlery. i have a feeling the disposable stuff is due to the newness. anyway, i left smelling like a rotisserie. not a good thing. seriously, the smell permeated every fiber of my clothes. i wore the same jeans again the next day to work and i smelled like burning. i probably even tasted like burning. heh.

bone garden cantina - really cool mexicanish place by the guys who brought you the vortex. i say "mexicanish" because although the food is definitely mexican, the servers look like they're straight out of a used record shop in little five points. or they're georgia state students. probably both. this place is on ellsworth industrial blvd between howell mill & marietta blvd. my friend walter has been telling me about this place for months. luckily i convinced my friends that six feet under was a bad idea (see post from february 27), and we wound up here. the restaurant is a part of the "lumber yard" complex which is really cool but smelled like a used diaper filled with indian food inside a rotten pumpkin, according to chad. so that was kinda nasty. the restaurant is small but the decor is awesome. total skeleton theme. there are custom paintings and sculptures that will definitely scare the kids. the menu is one of those a la carte deals which allows you to sample a lot of things, but doing so can get expensive if you're super-hungry. i kinda felt like i was gambling since i wasn't familiar with a lot of the items and wasn't sure how big the portions were. after i had ordered i got scared because heard this lady at the neighboring table say "this is nasty," directly to the server. anyway, i got a tilapia taco and a pork sope (pronounced SOH-peh) and both were awesome. i could have eaten another taco but my cheapness held my stomach in check. oh and the guacamole was great but not worth $4. so i'll definitely be back here as long as someone else is treating.

it's like a really bad disney movie

since i know shit about politics i usually steer clear of such topics; however, today i offer the following video:



i have always been fond of matt damon. and i think that if palin ever becomes president, i'll move to canada. at least there i could play more hockey.

i don't like random-ass babies

the people that run this google blogger site are mocking me with photos of babies when i log in... and you know how much i love random babies. yikes. here's a screenshot:



i heard an audio clip on the bert show (q100) of anderson cooper talking about how bad "living lohan" is. i tried watching it when it first aired and it was so bad, and i love those kind of shows. but this one sucks so bad. good ol' anderson cooper shares my sentiment:




*this video may be hard to watch/listen to if you are annoyed by kelly ripa. waaaaay to perky for me*

wednesday

it drives me nuts the way magazines are numbered: ads aren't numbered, and some features don't show the page number. i swear i was thumbing through "people" trying to find p. 119 for like 5 minutes.

and speaking of "people" magazine, the special issue with brad & angie and the brood came in the mail to our office yesterday. this issue has a 19-page family album. it's so stupid. kinda made me nauseous. for one, i don't like babies (or photos of babies). i also know that brad & angelina's babies and future babies are and will be good-looking, so i don't really need to see them. if these children were albino, or really fat, or conjoined twins then i'd probably wanna check that out. oh and one of their adopted kids, maddox, has a blue mohawk. i think he's like 5. i can imagine angie/brad suggesting to the stylist that maddox get a blue mohawk, you know, so other kids will think that he's cool, just in case they forget who his dad is.

so i bought a used ibook before i realized my ipod nano doesn't work with 10.3.9. can i borrow 10.4 from someone? anyone? i'm also bummed because an upgrade will make photoshop go bye-bye. oh and i still need to sell my acer. wanna buy it? i'll make you a deal!

sometimes i think i could eat 100 nuggets. but i don't order 100 nuggets.

andy wanted me to post this a month ago, so here it is:


this was taken on may 31 at the chickfila in dalton. i'm not sure what i should say. if you're mean (like andy), you are probably assuming this lady is about to enjoy a hearty snack. and by hearty i mean ten pounds of deep-fried goodness. a kinder, gentler soul (such as myself) does not arrive at the same conclusion. maybe all the food in the bag is for her kid's baseball team. so take the above photo for whatever you will. if it doesn't say "fat," i think it definitely says "cankles."

note: getting this photo was quite a risky and complicated operation. i was totally against it, but andy convinced me it'd be good blog material if i was to get a good shot. anything for the fans, ya know? we were sitting at a table right by the door, and i was sure this lady would notice me pointing my camera at her from a short distance of, oh, say, four feet. i tried to catch her just as she was exiting the restaurant but i couldn't get a good shot since i had to keep my camera on the table and kinda behind my drink cup in order to conceal it from her and from other chickfila patrons. i still feel kinda guilty for posting this. bah.

birthday card

my grandma sent me a card for my birthday. here it is:


and the inside:



1. i don't understand what the text on the inside of the card has to do with the content on the front. it's like someone chose two cards at random and then put the front of one with the inside of another.
2. strange choice of card for a granddaughter.

weird. but i got a nice fat check inside the card so all is well.

my brain is turning to mush

now that american idol is over for a while (as well as america's next top model) you may be wondering what kinda of trash i'm watching these days. here are the shows, in no particular order:

1. so you think you can dance - like american idol, but more entertaining. i like this show a lot more than ai primarily because i can't dance, and am impressed by good dancers. not as impressed by people that can sing, because i can sing pretty well. it's the truth. you should hear my shakira impression.

2. the bachelorette - ah, deanna pappas. she's from newnan (?) and of course i saw her get rejected by stupid jerkface brad womack on the previous season of the bachelor. this girl is gorgeous. i would totally go gay for her, assuming she would have me. *omg is she kidding?*

3. legally blonde the musical: the search for the next elle woods - stupid, but when has that stopped me from watching something?

4. hell's kitchen - have been a fan of this show from the start, but this season is the worst yet. chef ramsay's trademark is that he's verbally abusive while still being somewhat humorous and light-hearted, but this season he's just plain mean. i'm still waiting for chef to call someone a donkey.

5. 30 days - apparently this is the 3rd season of this series, but i've never seen it. it's by morgan spurlock, the dude that did the supersize me documentary about mcdonalds. much different than the other shows i'm watching, as it explores real social issues - a nice contrast to the other crap i watch.

6. last comic standing - each season of this show seems to be worse than the one before, but it's still watchable.

7. farmer wants a wife - on the cw network. this show sucks, but it's better than living lohan (ugh, i'll never get that time back). the guy up for grabs is extremely unattractive. i'm actually watching it right now online - it's so bad it doesn't deserve space in the dvr.

and before you think i'm a total idiot, i should probably mention that i read enough books to counteract all the brain-mushifying. but i also read people magazine religiously, which kinda mushes it up some more. oh well. if you have any book suggestions, i wanna hear them. needs to be something substantial. like, i've never read one hundred years of solitude, but i kinda don't even wanna risk it just in case it really sucks. so let me know.

bullet points

• so a lot of you may be obsessed with your ncaa brackets. if you don't know shit about basketball (me) and like hot guys (again, me) then check this out: http://www.allthehitsq100.com/bertshow/menmadness/table.asp
• "get a clue" is this saturday. for those of you not familiar with this event, a history of the game can be found at http://143.215.198.100/index.php?title=Get_A_Clue&oldid=2170
• the shape of yoplait yogurt containters is a cause of great frustration for me.
• it snowed today. weird.
• our hockey team is in 2nd place in the league. there are 10 teams, i think. andy has gotten a hat trick in the past two games. he is awesome.
  
• i don't like to use the "shift" key, unless it's for punctuation. you may have noticed. ha. i don't really know when this started. my lack of using proper capitalization isn't so much a blatant disregard for the english language as it is a bad habit. i mean, as bad-ass as it is to say that i'm lazy, or that i just want to defy convention, i think it's more like muscle memory or something. my friend ryan horchasdlworatszcher or whatever his last name really wants me to capitalize his name but i think i gotta take it slow....R. ok i gotta stop, i'm uncomfortable already.
  

contents of this post brought to you by my drive home

there are a lot of pop songs on the radio that get on my nerves - sweet escape by gwen stefani, photograph by nickelback, and umbrella by rihanna are some that come to mind. i hear these frequently and i turn the station, and all is forgotten. BUT there are two songs out there in radioland that truly infuriate me. and they get an insane amount of airplay.

the first is "teardrops" or whatever by taylor swift. what, never heard of her? exactly. she's an 18-yr-old country singer. kinda looks like carrie underwood but not really. ok so the lyrics of this song go "he's the reason for the tear drops on my guitar, the only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star." did ya get that? wishing on a wishing star. i think someone sucks at songwriting. how about a falling star, or perhaps a shooting star? this crap-tastic lyric isn't my only qualm with this song though- the story is that she's totally in love with some guy friend, who she labels "perfect" and "flawless." i bet he's probably a huge jerkoff.

and number two (heh) is "no one" by alicia keys. i feel kinda bad dissing on her because she is quite talented, and way hotter than me. but this song is poop. sounds very amateurish. oh and the vocals sound so far below pitch that it's offensive. i'm still holding out hope that this song and the rest of the album was a joke between alicia and whoever produced the record.

and now some good, clean jokes from laffy taffy:

Q: why was the broom late?
A: it overswept.

Q: how do you make an orange laugh?
A: tickle its navel.

some thoughts as i decide whether or not i should take a nap before hockey

not worth it: the restaurant "six feet under" in midtown. i cannot speak for the original on memorial drive, for i have never eaten there. andy & i went to this joint for someone bday. i got this combination fried seafood basket for $13. the waiter brought it out and andy thought it was someone's appetizer. now, i know that as americans we are all used to oversize portions, but i seriously could have put away two of those things no problem, in addition to my small salad. also, they don't have red stripe beer, and you pretty much have to use their valet parking service (says "complimentary" but we all know what that means). the atmosphere of the place isn't bad, and apparently andy's entree was quite delicious, but i say save your money and hit up captain d's for the fried stuff.

loser: luke menard on american idol. not only does he seem kinda lame, but he's not even that good *and* he makes himself out to be pretty boring. each week the am. idol production team interviews the contestants and then airs a portion of each before the solos. this week the idols were supposed to share something about themselves that "america" might be surprised to know. to me, this means talk about stuff other than singing. one guy said "i drag race cars." another said he's a competitive tennis player, and one dude admitted to being addicted to crossword puzzles. so this luke guy elaborates on how he's in this all boy "a cappella" group. ok, we already know you like to sing. i wanted to hear stuff about an emu ranch or a sixth toe, i dunno, something unusual and well, non-lame.

pathetic: maybe you've heard of the "connecticut school of broadcasting" from their ads on q100 and the former 99x. i recently got a mailer from them. if this school had any credibility, it's lost most of it now, because the ad reads "CBS" rather than "CSB" in one place and mentions "perspective students." oops.

amusing: t mobile store on windy hill (in the complex with barkers red hots & nice cafe) is called "center of wireless." seems to me that store's owner is a native spanish-speaker.

blood issues revisited

i gave blood at the red cross yesterday so i have marks and bruises on my arms. yes, arms. that's because after i filled up and entire bag with blood, the flow wasn't good enough to fill the remaining tubes (they stuck me in a weird part of my arm, too...i was like "dude what are you doing...") so they got me in the other arm to get a fresh flow. yum. oh and apparently one bowl of oatmeal, cup of yogurt, trail mix, and granola bar isn't enough food before noon, because i almost blacked out when they started taking blood from my 2nd arm. the nurses or whatever were like "oh honey, i know we all like to watch our weight, but you should eat more!" anyway, my boss noticed my bruised arms and was like "what'd you do to yourself?!" i am not too happy with the experience but at least i'm saving lives.

also, i asked the ppl at the red cross if i could have some of my blood, like, the excess that remains in the tube. this makes sense if you've been reading my previous posts. they thought i was crazy. i guess that's a "no."


i meant to post the following stuff a few days ago but never got around to it. so here it is.

some things that have a high probability of sucking, but actually rule:

1. publix butter pecan frozen yogurt - i love ice cream but have been trying to avoid the stuff, so i took a gamble on this, hoping it would be a viable alternative. i thought i would be disappointed, mainly because it's frozen yogurt (rather than like, low-fat ice cream) and because i've been disappointed by the publix store brand in the past.

2. free car wash (with purchase of oil change) at "car spa" - i guess if it's free then you really can't go wrong, but even some free things aren't worth the extra time. anyway, i got my car washed on friday and it looked real sexy. and whatever is in the secret sauce in the wash tunnel repelled the rain from my car's hood & windshield very nicely.

huge ripoff

you know what's a huge ripoff? custom printed m&m's.

here are two five-pound bags and one ten-pound bag. only the purple ones have stuff printed on them. wanna guess how much all of this cost? four hundred dollars. and if you're wondering, no, i did not buy these for myself ... although i have been known to purchase candy in bulk.

super-size idol

if you're wondering whether i watched the premiere of american idol last night, you're retarded. of course i watched it. it was actually pretty crappy. i don't really enjoy the first few episodes where they show all the ridiculous people. a lot of people i know *only* watch the first few episodes where ugly talentless people make fools of themselves but i am so sick of....well, ugly and talentless people. and lets go ahead and add "obese" into the mix - perhaps you saw this girl called temptress brown. for real. 16 years old, plays middle linebacker on a football team, looks like hell and sounds like it too. and then she reveals that her mom is ill and she's trying out for the show just for her mom. just when you start to feel sorry for her (mainly because she's so unfortunate looking), the cameras show a shot of her mom. who is 700 pounds. not exaggerating. and temptress isn't too far behind. anyway, randy, paula, & simon feel badly for the girl after her audition, so they give her a group hug and even go out of the audition room to see her mom. now, maybe if her mom had cancer or something then i wouldn't have a problem with their over-the-top sympathy and gentleness, but damn, someone's gotta get real with this woman (and temptress, too). see, that is what i think is wrong with america. the whole enabling thing. i'm not even gonna go into it right now...basically if everyone was mean like me, then all of our problems would magically go away. whee!