legend of the famous chron

a bit of background:  my name is anne rouse gurley.  rouse was my great-grandmother's maiden name. as a kid i hated it, but it's not so bad anymore - people have so many more things to make fun of me for now than just my middle name.  anyway, a while ago my brother took to calling me "grouse," or any variety of grouse depending on my mood or the time of year, ie. "spruce grouse" during the holidays. one day in mid-october i was in a silly mood so i posted a link to wikipedia's spruce grouse entry on john's facebook wall. a few clicks later i ended up at the famous grouse website. after poking around a bit i discovered that you could customize/personalize your own label for a bottle of famous grouse.  oooh, sign me up. again, it was mid-october so i figured this would be the perfect Christmas gift. unfortunately the company was unable to ship to countries outside the UK, but i figured i'd ask them anyway to see if they'd make an exception:

and the reply

i don't know anyone living in the UK, so it looks like a trip to scotland is on the horizon.  but wait, i know someone who *probably* knows someone living in the UK. my buddy daniel travels extensively and has friends in every corner of the globe, so if anyone had friends in the UK it was him. i asked him about it, and he hooked me up with his friend kathlene, who told me she would be travelling to the US for the Christmas holidays. i told her the story and gave her the game plan. by the time i worked out these logistics and purchased the whisky it was early november.  clearly ahead of schedule. so after the whisky arrived to her in london, i told her how to complete a fedex slip with my account number so that she could simply drop the package off when she got to the US.  still ahead of schedule. unfortunately kathlene's travel plans got messed up due to the ginormous european blizzard that hit right around Christmas, and i failed to remember to give her adequate instructions for shipping alcohol. fail. thanks to her dedication the package arrived in nashville on january 5th.

at last i present to you, in all its splendor - the famous chron:

There once was a Chronathan G. 

who enjoyed his fair share of whisky.

He was known far and wide

for his knack to imbibe,

and this bottle right here - 

it's on me!

just a few minor annoyances

a member of the parking committee at andy's condo complex thinks she made a move for justice the other night by having my car towed from the visitor lot at 2:30am. as the chron would say: unbelievable. i'm not exactly sure who the vigilante is, but apparently this person thinks that i should no longer qualify as a "visitor" and wants to teach me a lesson. i won't bore you with the technicalities, but i was parked in a legal space for less than 8 hours. i might add that andy is a member of the parking committee, has seen a few violators and issued warnings, but has never resorted to towing. we sent an email to the committee demanding a reimbursement and an apology. no luck so far, but it's only been one day. i'm plotting my revenge, and it's gonna be sweeeeeeet. i'll take your suggestions on how to get even.

tried to file a motion at fulton co. superior court today. left my office a little before 4:30 knowing that i probably wouldn't make it in the door by 5pm. miraculously i was able to get downtown, park, and walk over with a few minutes to spare. i dashed up the stairs (pryor st entrance) and saw a sign that read "this entrance is closed to the public. please use central ave entrance." whatever. i didn't have time for that. i pushed past the sign, the doors weren't locked, so i figured i was clear. threw my stuff on the security belt and the guard says "ma'am unless you work here you cannot come through" and i'm like "but the clerks office is RIGHT THERE!!" really, the clerk's office is 20 feet from the security point. of course there was no point arguing. and no point going around, because it's a long jog around to the back of the building. so i aborted the mission, motion unfiled.


some guy in line next to me at the store today heard me say to the cashier "i have my own bag," and replied "overachiever." i kept my mouth shut on that one.

flood damage

the weather on saturday was awesome so andy and i got our butts off the couch and went for a long walk/jog/adventure. we walked through some neighborhoods near historic downtown vinings since i live on the edge of all that. we saw some evidence from the recent flooding, mainly dirty trees and bushes and then yard sign ads for water damage companies. it's only been two weeks and we both have already forgotten how much destruction it caused since *fortunately* we weren't affected by it. we went down cochise drive and saw some pretty alarming signs from the flooding - i never realized how close these homes are to the chattahoochee.

photo courtesy of ajc.com 9/22 (shared by bleufalcon)

if we hadn't been roaming through such a wealthy neighborhood the aftermath would have been heart-breaking - construction debris everywhere, emergency trailers parked on the curb, toys & patio items scattered about from where they had once been afloat in the yard, etc - but since this is a notoriously rich part of town i hardly felt bad for the material damage we saw. don't think i'm a bad person, i mean, it sucks for the families, but at least they have the resources to rebuild their homes and buy new cars.

as we were walking we saw a lot of the homeowners outside in their yards. one guy was on his phone and kinda waved us down, so we thought he needed a hand with something or just wanted to ask us a question. you could see the water line on the house, it was probably at 6-8 feet. we paused in front of his driveway, then heard him say into the phone "hey man, i'll call ya back." so we thought it must be important if he hung up his phone to chat with us. i was like hey, this is horrible, what's goin' on? then it was clear to us that he didn't need help, because all he talked about was the monetary value of the assets his parents and neighbors lost. something about his mom and an upscale boutique, a neighbor with 4 million in damage to his car collection, etc. yeah man, you're impressing me now. oh, but we did learn something from him: almost everyone in that area had insurance.

this guy was ridiculous. probably 25 years old. not very physically attractive (but then again, most people look bad standing next to andy). socially awkward. textbook close-talker. there was an air of desperation about his friendliness and his obvious need to talk about his parents money. here's my story about him: he's an only child born to some rich people who, by giving him everything he ever wanted, denied him the opportunity to develop essential learning/coping/social skills. he went off to college, as all upper-class kids do, but probably dropped out to help a friend start a business, thinking "who needs a degree, we're gonna be rich!" well, that business tanked, and he can't make it in the real world. but no problem, because he's got mom & dad. the friends he had at one point have forgotten him because they're busy with their jobs and their girlfriends... makes sense, i guess.

so i made the mistake of telling him my name. he knows i went to tech, and knows i live in the area. i'm expecting a facebook request at any moment.

here's a photo my boss emailed to me of one of her neighbors.
she lives in sandy springs, just outside 285. fortunately her
house is on a hill away from the river. looks like the rich
folk had themselves a grand ol' time.

mother's day fail

this past weekend i went to dalton to spend the weekend with mary ellen since sunday was, duh, mother's day. i'm not a huge fan of giving people tangible gifts so i thought it would be nice to clean out her car & have it detailed. as in, major interior de-scumming. sounds easy enough, but i wanted to do this on the sly so it'd be a huge surprise. fortunately she was busy with dance recitals all day on saturday so i knew i'd have access to the car. i rolled into dalton around 4:00, found her spare key, dug through her email and found out where the recital was (the wink theater) and when it started (4:00). i figured the thing would last about an hour and a half, which would give me plenty of time to get it cleaned & have it back in the lot. i knew that bad things could happen if i didn't make it back before the show ended, but that was a risk i was willing to take. because who wouldn't *love* the inside of their car being spotless?! if i didn't make it back in time, i was praying she'd check her voice mail before noticing her car was missing, as i left her a message saying that i was driving her car. hoping she'd check the voice mail and not go into a panic thinking someone jacked her car. oh, and really, really hoping that she wouldn't call the cops.

i could make this a really long narrative about how almost everything that could go wrong actually went wrong, but i won't. i'll just list the highlights, and hopefully you'll get the idea.

• found her car, parked mine across street. ran across street, drove her car & parked next to mine. drove my car with the intent to park in her empty space (i even had a giant note on the dash that said "mary ellen: i have your car. call me!") but somebody scored it first. parking my car in that same spot was probably the most crucial part of the plan, and since i couldn't pull that off, i probably should have abandoned plan right then.
  
• no way would anyone be able to clean inside her car unless i took everything out first. so i frantically removed every blasted thing out of that car & put it in my trunk. took way too long. i was cursing & working up quite a sweat. people started to notice. they probably thought i was stealing her... oh wait, i *was* stealing.
  
• started cruising around for a car detailing place. in atlanta there are two on every corner. in dalton, not so much. and it was saturday. apparently these types of businesses aren't open on saturday, or if they are, they close before 4:00. again, probably should have bailed out and returned the car at this point.
• noticed my cell phone battery very low.
  
• after driving around for much too long i stopped at a car audio place to ask if they knew of a detail shop that would be open. a most helpful girl told me "julians" downtown. oh good, i'm not screwed, and fortunately it's down the street from the theater.
  
• julian's was closed. at this point i tried to return the car. *tried.* but the streets were blocked off for some hot rod parade thing.
  
• starting to panic because cell phone battery dangerously low.
  
• drove her car back to her house. planned to get down and dirty and clean it myself. couldn't find an extension cord for the vacuum. grabbed some clean-up wipe things and went to the self-service car care place.
  
• whilst vacuuming mats, it started raining. now i was wet, on top of being dirty, smelly, and extremely frustrated.
• thankfully my cell phone still on. but oops, i missed a call from mary ellen. couldn't hear it ring over the vacuum.
  
• called her back. "yes i have your car, no i haven't been kidnapped. see you at home."

the good news is that she was laughing at me when i got home rather than being totally pissed. i can't decide if the worst part was that i had to spoil the surprise or that i had to admit that my plan was completely bush league.

continuing the morbid posts...

i'll go ahead and tell you that if i drop dead today or die in the next 48 hours, a certain barista at starbucks is to blame. location on cobb pkwy next to steak 'n shake, just outside 285. tall white guy with a beard/goatee. if only i had gotten his name.... not that i'm expecting to keel over any time soon, but if i do, at least there will be some kind of explanation. also, this post ties in to my friend matt's post about death. if you have a spare minute, and i know you do, read it here.

moving on. here's the story:

before you judge me, i just want to say that i *never* go to starbucks. for many reasons, number one being i'm poor. i'll supplement this with the fact that i don't like to indulge in stuff that a)makes me fat b)leaves a weird taste in my mouth c)makes me cranky at the end of the day d)is overpriced. granted, i'll buy a bag of candy and eat the whole thing in one sitting, an activity that fulfills a,b, and c, but candy doesn't usually doesn't run me over $2, and thank goodness i can afford that. but all bets are off if someone gives me this stuff free of charge. then i just go nuts. absolutely buck wild. so today i went nuts because i had a $5 gift card and found myself very near starbucks with a few minutes to spare. how i acquired this gift card deserves it's own post, so i'll get around to that. but right now i should probably get to the point about dying.

i pulled up to the drive thru and announced that i wasn't sure what i wanted. mentioned something along the lines of a chai latte, something non-fat. sensing my unfamiliarity with the menu through the speaker, the guy was like, hey, do you like mocha? i said sure. then he said he'd been on this kick where he put a few pumps of mocha into his chai and that i should try it. i was like ok, bring it, i'm up for an adventure. in hindsight, probably shouldn't have said "i'm up for an adventure," as it's rather vague and can invite all sorts of trouble. anyway i got to the window, grabbed my concoction but told him he better not be trying to poison me. i wasn't even joking but kinda played it like i was. he was cool about it, and the drink tasted pretty good. like an oatmeal cookie with some chocolate chips. but that was at first. i'm actually sitting here right now sipping the very same drink and it tastes really weird. i'm still getting the oatmeal cookie taste, but now i'm getting a very weird aftertaste. like...arsenic? yak anus surprise? yeesh. think i'll go eat lunch.

santa was early this year

i've been telling andy that he should buy a new vacuum for, oh, about three years. only recently has he begun to agree with me. he's using a hand-me-down from his parents, which is totally fine because it was free and it works. it's always emitted a stale odor with a hint of dog, but if you lit a scented candle after vacuuming you wouldn't notice it. lately though it's started to smell less like dog and more like electrical fire. we'd checked out a few vacuums but andy could never justify spending $100 when the one he had still worked. plus, he's infatuated with the dyson models and didn't want to be stuck with an inferior vaccum just incase it started raining dysons or something. anyway, we kept expecting this old vacuum to go at any moment. and by "go" i mean explode into a flaming ball of destruction.

the day after thanksgiving i went shopping, mostly out of boredom but also figured i might could score some good stuff for cheap. i saw a decent bissell bagless upright at big lots for $70 and figured i'd give it to him for Christmas, but i didn't buy it...couldn't tell ya why, i guess i just had a feeling i shouldn't buy it. a few days later andy told me he'd told his parents that he wanted one for Christmas. so i was glad i didn't get him one.

and then earlier last week i was driving home - it was about 10:30pm so some people in my townhouse complex had already put their larger items on the curb for thursday trash pickup - and of course i drove by real slow just in case there was anything "good" up for grabs. in the past i've gotten some awesome free stuff out of the trash piles: a big fake tree (sold it at a yard sale for $35), two nice patio chairs (currently on andy's patio), and a small utility shelf (it's now in the laundry room). this might embarass most of you, but i have no shame. then i saw it. standing tall and proud behind a busted chair and some cardboard boxes was a vacuum, glistening in the moonlight. it looked too good to be true, and i figured it was broken if it was in the trash pile. so i kept driving. but then i thought, hey, if this thing works then 1)andy would have a better vacuum for free and 2)i'd have a good story to tell. so i turned around and put the vacuum in my trunk. i tested it the next morning and it worked perfectly as far as i could tell. this weekend we bought a new filter, gave it a thorough cleaning, and vacuumed every inch of andy's condo. we're still wondering what's wrong with it.

run for the border

yesterday andy & i both left our offices early so we could get down to gt campus and tailgate. we got there around 3 and saw no evidence that there was going to be a football game. we parked and set up some chairs, drank some beers, and NO ONE WAS tailgating anywhere around us. kids walking to/from class were looking at us funny. we thought maybe we had the wrong day. i mean how awesome would that be, two working adults just hangin' out drinking some beers under the magnolia trees next to the health center just for the hell of it...

and then we got this brilliant idea to hit up taco bell after we left the game. i was pretty pumped. i try to limit my intake of taco bell but it is so delicious and so when i go there i get really excited and order a lot. and i love the hot sauce. i really do. andy & i went inside rather than cruisin' the drive-thru for the very purpose of getting a lot of sauce. they don't give you enough when you ask for it at the drive-thru. so we ordered our food and i guess it was late so the staff locked the door. i saw andy grab a handful of sauce packets and when we got our food i totally forgot to get a bunch of sauce for myself. by the time i realized this i was already outside and of course locked out of the taco bell. i wanted to go to the drive thru but there were tons of cars in line and andy wouldn't have it. i was so pissed and honestly i didn't even wanna eat my treats because no sauce. oh it was horrible. but the food was good. and then this morning i felt funky, and i wondered why we had thought that eating taco bell at 10:30 would be a good idea. because it's *never* a good idea.

andy will never win

so there's this game my family & i play when we travel - basically if anyone in our group sees anyone he or she knows and can address this person by name and be recognized, he or she wins $20 from the person who initiates the game. if the initiator wins, everyone else who has agreed to the game pays a portion. the game begins only after someone has stated the rules. usually this person is smart enough to initiate once we're away from the home base. sometimes the rules vary, but hopefully you get the idea. a very cool example: my brother saw this dude he knew (the mgr at moe's in dalton) at the top of a mountain in aspen, colorado. we were taking a break from shredding the pow and saw him in a tiny pizza shack at 11,000 feet. we were pretty shocked, and my uncle paid him like 50 bucks or something. so now whenever andy & i travel i always try to get him to agree to the game. we were in the airport in cancun mexico yesterday and i found myself right next to this dude i knew from tech (we had a mutual friend and i used to spend hours copying his code). pretty weird. andy bought me $20 worth of mexican souvenirs. i don't think he wants to play the game anymore.

i'll post a link to the pics from mexico. it was a short trip.

another unbelievable story

i am house/dog-sitting for my boss (michael) this week while he and his family are on vacation. they live in a neighborhood along the chattahoochee river. andy came over after work on friday to ride his bike around the neighborhood while i ran with the doggies. i got back from running and headed straight for the fridge for some water. saw something moving in my upper periphereal vision:


let me just say that i am not afraid of snakes. but when i found myself face-to-face with this thing i totally freaked out. andy heard me screaming from the garage but thought it was coming from some kids up the street. i made myself calm down a bit before i yelled at him to come upstairs to the kitchen because i didn't want him to think i had accidentally cut my finger off or something. so we're just standing there in the kitchen watching this thing inch along the top of the fridge and of course i grab my camera rather than focus on how to get rid of the snake. the worst part is that about an hour later we found the perfect snake-wrangling tool in michael's workshop.
due to our lack of quick-thinking in an emergency situation the snake escaped behind the vent. we took the vent off and even took the panel off the bottom of the fridge but no snake. the good thing is that i haven't seen him again. the bad thing is that i haven't seen him again. and i'm sleeping in that house.

first post with my mac

yep, i'm a convert. bought a used iBook G4 from a dude on craigslist. i'll be selling my behemoth windows laptop as soon as i can wean myself off it. my "new" mac is so cute and portable and pretty. i like it.

i realized i never fully explained the poo incident from last week. maybe you don't want to know, but of course i'm gonna fill you in regardless. the whole incident was so outrageous. andy gave me permission to publish the email he sent me, so here it is:

"This is a shitty one, literally. (Caution: disgusting). I woke up this morning and found a bunch of shit on my patio. Yes, shit. It looks like someone had diarrhea last night, hung their ass off the balcony above me, probably on either 3, 4, or 5 and let loose. It is spattered everywhere and stinks like, well, shit. There were flies swarming around it. I've already sent an email to management and they better take care of it before I get home today. I'm so fucking pissed off. I'm glad my hockey stuff wasn't out there.

So, I'm pretty enraged right now."

you may be wondering if the mess was cleaned up, and if we figured out what (or who) did it. and sorry, i gotta leave you hanging until the next post because i gotsta go...

things that go splat in the night

i've got a story so unbelievable that i don't even know how to tell it properly. i could spend hours drafting a clever narrative, but i think all i really need to say is that someone, or possibly some thing, shit on andy's patio. i wish i was kidding. more details to follow, but for now, please listen to the audio provided in this youtube clip:




*please don't think less of me for posting a dane cook clip. it was just too relevant to ignore.

i was a good person this weekend

andy & i spent most of memorial day weekend at his parents lake house on lake sinclair. weather was good, water was cold. i fell off the sea doo, which wasn't entirely andy's fault. he was churning up the water pretty good, going round and round in really tight circles so that we were on the verge of rolling over. that's the whole fun of it, and of course i was laughing and screaming and having a great time but my hands hurt bad from hanging onto that stupid strap. if you have ever ridden on the back of one of those things you know what i am talking about. andy stops with the twirling and i let go a little, and of course right then he peels out, hard left and i go flyin' off the back. andy had no clue that he was minus a passenger so he just kept driving, he probably got over 100 yds before he realized he had dumped me off.

we got back to atlanta late on sunday night and took all of our bottles & cans (from the weekend) to the recycling center at tech. it's fairly convenient since it's right off the interstate but it kinda sucks because you have to sort your glass by color, which is kinda hard to do at night, but i don't care because i looove to recycle. i'm quite a fanatic. if i am ever in possession of an empty can/bottle or any other recyclable material and there is not a recycling bin for it nearby, i will stash it in my purse or car and make sure it gets into the proper bin later. i don't go so far as pulling things out of public trash cans, but it angers me when i see trash can full of nothing but recyclable materials. the worst is at ikea, where there are recycling bins throughout the store, right next to the trash can. and of course the can is full of recyclable stuff.

i was planning on going wakeboarding with a few people from the tech club on monday morning, but someone wanted to take her babysitting charges on the boat and i was like hell no, i'm not going if there are kids in the boat. i won't even go into how stupid that is, because later the driver msg'ed me to say this certain person wasn't going to bring the kids after all. i think i had pissed them both off anyway so i figured i'd just sleep in and go another time when the water is warmer. i wonder if she brought the kids anyway. oh and there is so much drama going on in the club it's not even funny. once the club got kickass boats the douchebags came out of the woodwork. i'm definitely on some peoples shit lists right now, which sucks, but oh well.

monday afternoon andy and i had a nice picnic lunch on the patio at his office. yes, the man chose to work that day. since i didn't really have anything better to do, i donated blood at the red cross. it was a personal best time of 14 minutes, boo-yah!

so this weekend i recycled and gave blood. don't you feel like a horrible, horrible person? coincidentally, i also finished reading how to be good by nick hornby.

queue-cutting

i witnessed some textbook line-cutting behavior this weekend, and i'm not talking about methods for cutting rope or twine. andy and i were at callaway gardens for my friend rachel's wedding. there were two incidents of blatant line-cutting within an hour, by the same person. the culprit: someone's grandma or great-aunt. i mean, this lady thought she was slick. she knew no one would call her out on it either because she's old and unassuming.

#1: andy and i were at the back of a somewhat lengthy line to be escorted to our seats. we probably waited in line for five minutes, and all of a sudden this lady appears right next to andy, before we were greeted and handed programs. i mean, no harm really. sometimes you gotta make allowances for elderly or disabled people, but you could tell she knew she was breaking in line because she was kinda looking around, all shifty-eyed...you know the look. and as soon as she saw that andy and i noticed her there, she started muttering to herself, "oh, my, there appears to be a line here, pardon me!" and all that baloney (bologna?). i can see how there may have been a little confusion, because there were actually two activities going on in the back of the garden before the ceremony - some people were milling about and socializing near the ushers, and some people were actually in line to be seated. however, this was the kind of event where one commonly must wait one's turn, and i think that any shred of common sense would lead one to assume there is a line.

#2: upon entering the reception site, andy & i got in line for a drink. there were maybe eight or so people ahead of us in line (one of two lines), and it was moving slowly since there were many options and people seemed to be taking their sweet time deciding what to drink. quite a line had formed behind us as well. next thing ya know, i catch a glimpse of old person entering my periphery, and whaddaya know, it's the same broad. kinda hard to miss in the white suit. the guy behind us in line didn't seem too pleased either, and just when she detected our awareness of her presence, she pulled the same crap as before, kinda looking around and saying "oh goodness me, this must be the line." seriously, lady, what the freaking hell.

BONUS INCIDENT (unrelated to line-breaking, but amusing): i was signing the guest book and noticed that the vase holding the pens was precariously propped up against part of the podium next to the book. didn't look safe. i even said to andy "look, someone's definitely gonna knock this thing off and stuff is gonna go everywhere." about 10 minutes later - CRASH - yep, someone dropped their drink...nope, the same lady knocked the vase off the podium. nice. and then she left.