say what?

I still listen to Atlanta's radio show "The Bert Show" every morning on my iPad. Here's a spot for Moe's Southwest Grill that's currently in rotation. Listen closely to the end of the ad.

Fresh hit, eh? Say that one a few times fast. 

Ok, now moving on to the awesomeness. One of my favorite songs is Chris Brown's "Look at Me Now." My friend Thom shared this youTube video with me the other day:

Mary Ellen, I expect you to be amused by this. I bet you're disappointed that I didn't come up with it first. 

upcoming road trip

if you're completely out of the loop, andy & i are moving from atlanta to denver on july 5th.  hired a moving crew to pack, load, drive & unload.  the plan is to drive (separately) to my mom's house in dalton, drop my car off for her to sell, then head to nashville to see my brother. after nashville we'll go to eureka springs, arkansas. next stop was tricky to figure out - i had to ask around to see if anybody could recommend a town or place to stay out in the middle of nowhere. the winner?  liberal, kansas.  my coworker luz (who is moving to colorado...eventually) said she & her husband stayed at a great bed and breakfast inn.  so i was like ok, sold. this morning she brought me a brochure for the place and for the visitor center. now, i'm from a smallish town so i dont really have much to make fun of, but i'll do it anyway:

1. went to the website printed on the blue bird inn's brochure. it went to some page in japanese. i'm not going to link to it just in case its got some crazy malware that installs itself, its a little suspicious.  i guess i better make sure this place is still around before i plan to stay there.

2. and this... the brochure mentioned the liberal bee jays.  naturally i went to the web for more info.  i went ahead and did a screen capture just in case the web page changes drastically from what you see here:

hey kids, how many hilarious jokes can you spot?

unfortunately we won't have much time to see all that liberal, kansas has to offer. and i'm really NOT looking forward to driving through any of kansas. arkansas, fine.  kansas, not fine. 

weeks, this one's for you

i couldn't remember the password for my firm's gmail account...so i requested a little password assistance. awesome.

3 years of blogging, and some toilet humor

if you glance at the archive menu on the right of the page you'll see that i've been blogging for a solid three years.  amazing that i kept it up. it's filled with as much pointless stuff as ever, and i don't intend to stop any time soon.

random anecdote: andy went to ulta with me yesterday. all i needed was to return a few things that i ended up not giving as Christmas gifts and pick up one or two things for myself. i knew he wouldn't want to go in there but he's nice so he tagged along.  i was browsing for products and he came up to me and said you know what this store needs? -i already knew what he was going to say - an area for men, like a man-cave.  i agree. but i said "well you know they have products for dudes" but he wasn't amused. funny.  but i will say, there's something oddly satisfying about a man who only buys his personal care products at grocery stores.


my coworker, "champ," was proud to show me a menu from a local thai/chinese restaurant:

i guess this explains the "special brown sauce" that is referenced in some entrees.

he asked me if i liked crab angels and thrust the paper menu at me.  when i saw the mistake, he said he thought it was good blog material.  i didn't think it was too great, but since it's been a while since i've posted i figure i'd humor him, and now it's turned into a decent post, i think. so yes, it's interesting that the mistake is on both the printed menu and the website.  this leads me to believe that there may be a situation that needs to be investigated, ie. i may need to eat lunch at this place or at least get takeout. here's the conversation that followed, perhaps you'll find it humorous.

the big reveal - but first...

sorry that i failed to provide updates while making the costume.  i got really busy a few days before halloween and production basically came to a halt.  i made the majority of it on saturday afternoon and it was *not* fun.  here is my costume taking shape:

a misshapen heart?

 a giant mouth?

 an ice cream sandwich?

 what the...

 the sandwich so meaty, there's no room for a bun!!!

totally ridiculous.  again, i think i spent too much time and money on this, but i'm willing to bet no one else has ever made their own double down costume.  we went through the kfc drive through in costume (well, mine was in the back seat) and the guy at the window got a kick out of it.  naturally we ordered one double down for each party we attended.  thank goodness we only went to two parties because those suckers are $4.99.  here are a few more photos:

looks more like egg than cheese... i was limited to the scrap bin at the fabric store so this is what i got

cannibalism!!  (i took two bites, which was enough)

nutrition facts.  less calories than i expected. (i knew i couldn't walk around in the double down for long so i made a kfc tank top) 

no comment

i'm not really sure what i'm going to do with my double down.  i think i'll just disassemble it and put it in a giant plastic bag.  maybe i can just make something out of the foam next year. oh, and wouldn't you know, kfc is having a contest to win kfc for life: http://www.kfc.com/doubliciousdouble/ but i'm having trouble finding a full-body photo, most of them are just waist up.  i'll submit a photo for sure, but unlike the contest where i won an iPad, the thought of just straight up winning this costume contest is way more appealing than the actual prize itself.

best caller ID ever

look who called the office today...

intriguing.

sexcellent!

so naturally i researched the number to see who had called.  bunch of others complained it was a debt relief scammer message and showed up on many caller ids as "wirelesscocktail".  i kinda like the way our office phones truncate the name.  and i'd like to thank my coworker amy for supplying this bit of material.

"If you drive by UGA campus with your windows down they'll just toss the diploma inside your car."

i offer you this video:


disregarding the content, this has got to be the most poorly made video i've seen. ever. everything sucks - the singing, the acting, the videography, the lighting, the audio, the cast, the words to the song...i could go on. and it's funny because someone probably worked very hard on this production. and i get it - you've got a "flip" video camera and a macbook, whoopidy-doo. i mean, you don't see me trying to change the oil in my car, bake fancy cakes, or mend my own clothes. why? because i suck at these things and the results would be embarassing. so, just because you CAN doesn't mean that you SHOULD.

but seriously, i do feel bad for the people i know who went to uga and actually have talent and...no, no, i can't even say it. hah!! uga sux.

andy gives kfc the middle finger

you've heard of kfc's double down:

mmmm...obesity.

now i present to you, the andy parsons triple play:

bacon, cheese, hamburger flanked by chickfila breakfast fillets.

this creation was made possible by naomi & brandon sparks. they both work at the chickfila corporate office and came through with the good stuff this weekend:

why is this stuff so effin' good? also, if you're wondering why brandon't shirt looks photoshopped, it's because i needed to cover up a particular offensive logo.

cult of mary kay

if you're a chick you've probably been approached at one time or another by a mary kay rep hoping to recruit you for the leadership program. the reps most often strike up conversations while shopping. usually the script goes "excuuuuse me, but you just look *soooo* professional and put-together! might i ask what you do for a living?" my coworker amy had a run-in with one of these ladies at costco yesterday, but this one was not so calm and collected. told me the lady was completely incoherent, rambling on about baby boomers, and totally psycho. amy told the lady she wasn't really interested, but gave out her office phone number to get her to go away. this morning she called and amy sent the call to her own voicemail which was a genius move since all the voicemails are forwarded to our email as audio files.

what you're about to hear is almost unbelievable:

file may take a few seconds to download

*voice has been digitally altered*

four-minute voicemail. you probably noticed that she gave out her cell number 3 times. as andy would say, "that woman is bat-shit crazy!"

disclaimer: i realize mary kay is a legitimate business. i know a few girls who have gotten into this and who are very successful. i'm not saying that all reps who recruit total strangers in retail stores are psycho, but face it, this lady is not helping the image.

hours of entertainment

last weekend andy & i went to our neighborhood ace hardware looking for some specific items [that we didn't find] and ended up at the display of droll yankees squirrel-proof bird feeders. ace had a booth set up with the products complete with promo video. it was an enjoyable 10 minutes of epic squirrel-fails. i don't need a bird feeder, but by the end of the video i was ready to purchase, certain that i was in store for hours of entertainment. but...the good one - the "flipper," was $150. no thanks. the company claims that they have the most entertaining and effective feeders. see for yourself:



this video is kinda long and boring in parts. i know you just wanna get to the squirrel-flipping. there are also some funny videos on youtube from individuals that are definitely worth 30 seconds of your time.

you might enjoy these ads

good radio spot:

http://www.franksredhot.com/popups/radio_ad.html

and a favorite commercial on tv:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8QW0tT_xqQ
(also check out some of the related videos from the same channel)

i love eBay [and young girls]

back from vacation. will post some stories later.

so i am browsing eBay for a cocktail dress. i know that sounds poor/stupid/risky, but you can get some insane deals on really nice clothes if you stick to brands/designers you're familiar with. the really cheap stuff comes from the dresses that were worn once and then cast aside. i'm looking for another dress by the same designer as my current favorite dress (BCBG max azria). i found a cute one for next-to-nothing, but had some concerns about the neckline & how it fit in the bust area since it's a different shape than the dress i own...don't wanna look like a complete ho at andy's office holiday party (just a partial ho). i emailed the seller a question, as any savvy eBayer would do, and figured since the seller was a lady she'd be willing to help a sister out. read and be amused:

Dear [username]

this looks like a great dress. i own another bcbg max azria dress, size 6 and it's my favorite dress, which is why i'm looking for another. the problem is that i'm afraid my top's gonna pop out, since this dress has a deep v. i wear bra size [TMI]. might i ask what size bra you wear and how the dress fits you, or if you have a photo of yourself in the dress that you can email me? i'd buy the dress right now, but am concerned about how the top fits....

[alright, i knew it was kinda personal to ask for a photo, but i've done this a few times and no one seems to have a problem with it, they just crop out their head or blur the face a little. and i only asked because it was apparent that the seller was female and was selling it as an individual, not a business.]

Dear skippy304,

Um, "Skippy", this was not my dress. I have 3 lovely, beautiful daughters between the ages of 19 and 23. None of them is going to model the dress for you. Sorry about that. I've given dimensions and other than that, frankly, I don't know what to tell you. If you do own BCBG, you're pretty familiar with how this line is cut. And I must say, in all honesty, that this is one of the creepiest requests I've ever had from anyone. I'm a 58 year old woman with my doctorate in educational administration, and frankly I hope I'm reading too much into your request.

- [username]


Dear [username],

Sorry if I offended you, I wasn't trying to be a creeper. Perhaps my user name threw you off. I am a 27 year old woman and was just hoping for a bit more insight since I can't try the dress on. For what it's worth, I've got a BS in computer science.


i was tempted to write "thanks for the info. in that case, i'm most interested in photos of your daughters when they were 8, 9 years old." (that line courtesy of my coworker, doug). anyway, seller responded that, yes, my user name did indeed throw her off. that was all she wrote. then i visited her "about me" page on eBay and here's the good stuff:

"Hello, friends and fellow Ebayers...I'm the mother of two wonderful daughters...

[wait, earlier she said she had 3...did one of them die?]

...both of whom are now in college. My youngest is a freshman at Virginia Tech, where she's majoring in Human Nutrition and planning to obtain her Master's degree in Public Health as well. She hopes to work with an international children's relief agency, providing nutritional information and assistance to those who need it the most. Our oldest daughter is studying to be a social worker at Temple University. One is tiny, blond and has green eyes; the other is 6' tall, with dark hair and blue eyes. They are such extraordinary children, both of whom I'm very proud....

[ok, maybe the 3rd daughter is a troll so she gets no mention]

I've found some wonderful, wonderful buys on Ebay. During a recession, there are so many opportunities to purchase truly unique, special items and give them a good new home - at great prices! I pride myself on superior customer service, with a personal touch."

did ya get that last part? nice. i still might buy the dress. it's $30 which is a fantastic deal. if it does end up looking really slutty, i'll be sure to take a photo of my ample bosom & post it here for all the creepers out there.

u-scan fail, take two

i will admit that this time the perpetrator doesn't have as many groceries as the lady from yesterday, but she still has too many for the u-scan to be practical. i guess it's hard to tell just how packed this *bas-cart is from this angle. my bad. and by the time i took these pics she had already scanned two huge bags worth of goods.

sorry these pictures suck, it was hard for me to take a steady photo whilst giggling.

*bas-cart: basket/cart hybrid. you only wish your grocery store had these. the handling is amazing.

um, for realz?

another "wtf" moment caught on camera:

after i got this great shot, i proceeded to the nearest manned checkout lane with my 4 items - no line. i'm about to go back to the store to see if this lady is still scanning.

if you don't already think that i'm weird...here you go.

as my mother, grandmother, and boyfriend will tell you, i tend to get creative with my insults and terms of endearment (which, funny enough, are sometimes one in the same...maybe i should stop doing that). sometimes i use words that sound completely made-up, but to my surprise are actual words. a lot of the times i never know what these words mean (i should probably stop doing that, too). here are some examples:

cheecharone: noun, sounds like cheech-ər-own, not cheech-ər-won. do you like my schwa? boo-yah! the real word is spelled chiccharón, and means "fried pork rind." i use this word to mean a variety of things including but not limited to goofball, loser, fatso, meanie, hoodlum, and r-rated versions of everything i just mentioned. basically, it's a good, clean (?) substitute for various curse words & racial slurs. i'd like to give a shout-out to my pal daniel head for introducing me to this word, like, in 10th grade. yeah. i've been saying this word for over 10 years. is that pathetic? i don't think i say it that often: it's popularity comes & goes at random. the funniest thing is that my grandma picked it up from me during a week-long trip to europe ten years ago and still says it, primarily as a phone greeting, knowing that it's me on the line. awwww.


fluffernutter: i have no idea when i started saying this word or what prompted me to use it. it's a decent substitute for the f-word, or any other expletive. if i spilled my drink i might say "oh fluffernutter!" but on the other hand i think the connotation is nice enough so i use it as a pet name too. just this last weekend i called andy a fluffernutter and he insisted that it wasn't a word. i made him look it up, and honestly, i didn't know what it meant but i was pretty sure it was a word. educate yourself here.


well...damn. i can't think of any other examples right now. i know there are more. so take note.

p.s. - i totally just realized both of these words are food items. weird.

b-holes are tasty & flavorful

i heard this hardee's ad mentioned on the bert show this morning:



genius! i imagine they're in a bit of trouble with the fcc, but i suppose controversy could be good for business. according to a news source, "Hardees says it has no plans to pull the ads which is says run after 9 p.m., but it says franchisees are free to run them or not run them at their discretion."

the coolometer

my friend matt made this for me in calculus class in high school.


i was inspired to post this because he recently made the indie-o-meter. gotta love that metric system, still makin' the list 10 years later.

happy digital transition day

There's a tv in the breakroom at my office. We don't get cable, the antenna kinda sucks, and no one ever watches it. A few weeks ago it occurred to me that I could get one of those converter boxes and possibly get a bunch of channels. I got in on that $40 government coupon, bought a converter box, hooked it all up, and like magic we have about 10 channels now. So today during my lunch hour I decided to enjoy some good quality digital tv. I turned to the ch. 2 news and they had this dude on there who was the very first engineer for the station, as in, he was in charge of their very first broadcast. Pretty old guy. They brought him into the studio today so he could be the one hitting the switch to turn off the analog signal. How cool is that?! But the guy in the tux? So awesome. Apparently I missed the actual "switch" but thanks to youtuber JohnAMcGrew you can see it yourselves!

my stuffed animals are suicidal

so i'm gone for one night during the week and my stuffed animals decide that life just isn't worth living:

english got himself wrapped up in the blinds

buzz goes for the coat hanger

so all of this was waiting for me when i came back from andy's early this morning. i let my bro & his buddy stay at my place b/c they wanted to be a little closer to augusta so they wouldn't have to get up as early to travel to the masters. i crashed at andy's. i was relieved that this was not a double suicide attempt, however i'm a bit disturbed by john's murderous intentions.

stuff that made me laugh recently

teaser for the final episode of the bachelor:

"what you're about to witness is potentially so dramatic..." gimme a break.
and while we're on the subject: i'm an extremely loyal fan of the bachelor/bachelorette series, but this season has been awful. while jason may be a lot of women's ideal guy, i think he sucks. he's a single dad, he's short, cheesy, and way too in touch with his emotions. he probably wouldn't like me either. heh.

in my mom's pantry:

don't mess with mary ellen or she'll kick your ass, jackie chan style.

from the wrapper on the toilet paper i just purchased:
"Made just right with an extra layer to get the job done."