hordes of zombies

here's a recent email announcement from my office building's management:

nobody panic, the gunfire is simulated.  the horde of zombies, however...

totally looks like v.2

american idol is back, and you know i'm watching.  i thought i was finished watching this crap after last season, but no, i've been sucked in *again.*  i think the judges found a few legitimately talented people this year (casey abrams) unlike last season's fiascos lee dewyze and crystal bowersox. sheesh. anyway, here are mine & andy's thoughts on a few of the contestants who totally look like other people:

naima totally looks like the alien "diva" in the movie the fifth element. the aqua dress really sealed the deal on this one, although the resemblance is most notable when she sang in the wild card round this past week. personally, i don't think she's anything worth getting excited over.

and then we have ashley. probably the most unattractive person to make it to the final rounds of hollywood week. thank goodness she got cut. she looks like a meth-head, so i have her pictured below with two "faces of meth."  i think that ashley was also one of the worst singers they put through to hollywood and i can't believe she almost got on the show. if you want to hear how bad she is, check out her initial audition on you tube.

and now for the obvious - casey abrams & seth rogen: 

if you're not up on how awesome this guy is, you need to check out casey's performance of georgia on my mind and i put a spell on you. he's the real deal.

this chick's got it all figured out

i've been meaning to post this video for a while but never got around to it mainly b/c i was dreading spending time editing it. it's from tlc's "toddlers & tiaras." the clip below is only about half of what i want to show you, but i think you'll be sufficiently annoyed to get my point:

yes, i watch this show.  it's chock-full of people who deserve ridicule, primarily obese, undereducated, backasswards country women with bad hairstyles who waste obscene amounts of money on chintzy dresses for three-year-olds.  unbelievable.

fashion icon

a new season of project runway started last thursday and nicole richie was the guest judge. strange choice if you ask me, but apparently she's a fashion designer now. (i'd like to add andy's take on it: apparently any coke whore off the street can start her own clothing line.)

so you may have seen her on the show, but i'm guessing you missed the webisode where she explained the inspiration for her line:

click here for video

that's right, i'm on my way up.

southern accents

posting this video clip is probably violating some kind of copyright, but i found it to be pretty awesome and decided you must see it immediately. i know it's totally lame that i recorded this clip on my digital camera but that was the quickest method for delivering the comedy.



lady, you're sick. and yes, i watch this show, but it's low on my priority list.

i'm on the verge of tears as i type this

i know everyone is talking/blogging about the recent rash of celebrity deaths but i am terribly bummed that billy mays died. i feel like i should pay homage or something to this guy. i was going to make an image map sound board thing, but i'd have to steal the .wav files and the image, not to mention it'd probably take me half an hour to do it, and i'm at work...

i know a lot of people thought he was completely annoying, but i was a huge fan. the booming voice, the thick, lustrous beard, the beady little eyes, the enthusiasm for cleaning products...sigh. i guess he just put a smile on my face because he was so ridiculous. when my friends gave me some mighty putty two weeks ago i was so excited (i have yet to use the stuff).

good sounds - http://www.billymayshere.com/

a really good one - (taken down recently, sorry)

some pitchmen video - http://dsc.discovery.com/videos/pitchmen-whats-hot/

if i'm ever feeling down, andy knows he can always cheer me up with a billy mays impression.

tribute to a bad hairstyle

john & kate plus 8. they're everywhere. including here. yep, no original material this time. but i was thinking: i have zero kids and i'm kinda bitchy on occasion. so i know i'd be a total bitch all the time if i had 8 young kids and a seemingly slacker husband.

i also like to put myself in john's shoes: i'd totally check out if i had a crazy bitch screaming at me all the time. especially with that abysmal hair.

so here's what i got for you:

happy digital transition day

There's a tv in the breakroom at my office. We don't get cable, the antenna kinda sucks, and no one ever watches it. A few weeks ago it occurred to me that I could get one of those converter boxes and possibly get a bunch of channels. I got in on that $40 government coupon, bought a converter box, hooked it all up, and like magic we have about 10 channels now. So today during my lunch hour I decided to enjoy some good quality digital tv. I turned to the ch. 2 news and they had this dude on there who was the very first engineer for the station, as in, he was in charge of their very first broadcast. Pretty old guy. They brought him into the studio today so he could be the one hitting the switch to turn off the analog signal. How cool is that?! But the guy in the tux? So awesome. Apparently I missed the actual "switch" but thanks to youtuber JohnAMcGrew you can see it yourselves!

dvr is my bff

a bunch of people who know me have been wondering what i'm gonna watch now that a lot of my favorite reality series have wrapped. actually, they probably weren't wondering so much as bringing to my attention the fact that the "good" reality shows are over. smug bastards can suck it, because i've found a ton of crap to watch:

• so you think you can dance - i think i've said this before, maybe even on this very blog, but i like this show more than idol. reason: i can sing. pretty well, actually, so i don't go completely ape shit over talented vocalists. dancing is a different story. me not so good, so i really like watching it. the contestants on this show are freaks of nature, in a good way.

• the bachelorette - i can't *not* watch this show. this season's girl, jillian, is a cast-off from the previous season of the bachelor. she's petite, tan, successful...surprise.
  

• the fashion show - project runway's replacement. instead of "you're out," it's "we're just not buying it." hilarious. i miss tim gunn.

• real housewives of new jersey - italian. botox. bubbies. not sure about that last one? check it out on hulu

• john & kate + 8 - i've been aware of this show for quite some time since i watch a bunch of stuff on tlc, but i never tuned in because i don't really like watching shows about parents with babies. i probably caught 5 minutes here and there, most of it was kate barking at john, being a total bitch. no wonder this guy went elsewhere looking for affection. anyway, after all the drama surrounding john & kate's relationship, i *had* to watch. i love train wrecks.
  

• paris hilton's my new bff - so i wonder what happened to her old bff, brittany? new season starts june 2 (andy, please don't dump me for watching this).

• hitched or ditched - new show on the cw. this is on the dvr. haven't watched yet.

fore....goo?

obviously i'm a not a huge fan of capitalization or punctuation, but i try to make an effort with vocabularly and grammar. well, most of the time. check out this amazing scene from last week's episode of "the celebrity apprentice" - from left we have brande roderick who is a former playboy model, poker champion annie duke, and melissa rivers. i know you will laugh at this.



i bet this'll end up on E!'s "the soup." along with something from every other show i watch.

my brother would have made a better "the bachelor"

omg did you see the bachelor last night?! total craziness!! you must watch the aftershow. if you haven't seen any of it, don't worry, the following post won't spoil anything important.

i had a lot of problems with this season.

1. deanna. girl, next time, when trying to convince an ex that he should get back together with you, never show up wearing the frumptastic getup that you sported with jason. it didn't do you any favors. if anything, it made us notice the weight you gained after your season was filmed, aka after jesse dumped your ass. sheesh. and to think that i used to like you (refer to post from 06.05.08).


2. where were the "women of color" in the top 25 or whatever? yeah, raquel was from brazil and had somewhat of an exotic look about her (as well as a jacked up grill), so i guess she's the token minority. anyone who looks "ethnic" in the photo just has a fake tan. actually, wait. i think the girl in the orange dress is asian. i recall her name as julie, or something equally non-asian. i remember cheering for her on looks alone, but then she turned out to be really weird. nevermind.

3. jason is pathetic: while lying on the bed with melissa jason uttered the words "what are you thinking?" video coming soon. i tell you right now, if andy said that to me in a moment of intimacy i think i'd flip my shit. those words belong to women.

4. jillian. where did they find this girl (don't say "canada," because that's not what i mean). i really really wanted to like her. but i couldn't. i'm probably one of the few who didn't enjoy her kind of crazy. she blew it for me with her hot dog theory. not only was her "theory" totally unfunny, but the way she pronounced the words "hot" and "dog" made me squirm. and you know, sometimes i like the quirky girls (if you could call her that). but usually the quirky girls don't talk so damn much.

5. what happened to the initial whittling down of the women show? many seasons ago they'd show you a bunch of strange (but still hot) girls that got through the initial screening rounds, american-idol style. each girl would get a few minutes alone with the bachelor and then the bachelor would narrow it down to the 25 or so girls he wanted in the house. what happened to that? now the first thing we see are the top 25 bachelorettes all glammed up beyond recognition, stepping out of limo to meet the bachelor for the first time. all of the awkwardness and none of the hilarity. i need to see the stupid human tricks!!

p.s. - i often refer to my addiction to reality tv as a guilty pleasure. andy hates this, and states that it's definitely not a *guilty* one, as i feel no guilt while/after watching.

national signing day

uh-oh, been a while since i posted. my b. i've got a lot of stuff i've been meaning to post and i'm totally running out of time because i'm going to utah early tomorrow morning and my stuff is kinda all over the place and not in my suitcase where it should be...so i'm typing this while catching up on "double shot at love." this show is insane. remember tila tequila from the original? well, this season featured the "ikki twins," rikki and vikki - bisexual identical twins. ridiculous. soft-core porn. too much girl-on-girl action. i feel, well, icky when i'm watching it. the twins date from the same collection of girls & guys, and then have to agree on who to eliminate. once they got down to the final two, you would think that one twin would pick one contestant, and the other twin would pick the other. but noooo...both twins picked the same guy and then *he* had to choose. poor bastard.

anyway.

one thing i've completely neglected to blog about is my uncle's sorta-stepson donovan. donovan tate. check it:

yeah, he's kind of a big deal.

he's a senior at cartersville high (georgia) and is my uncle's ex-wife's son. i've only hung out with him a few times, but he and my uncle (lee) are pretty tight. this kid is so good at baseball and football that he beat out other awesome high school athletes for the cover of this magazine. he was being recruited by some big-time football programs (usc, michigan, alabama) but went with unc. interesting selection. word on the street is that he'll be a top-10 pick in the baseball draft this spring. not even kidding.

since today was national signing day i met him & his mom at fox sports grill at atlantic station for some interviews and celebration. here are some pics.

donovan & his mom tracy looking tar heel-ish

"i'm a total badass"

i totally had a blue sweater. no white & gold today.

looking studly with some of his cartersville team mates

as i mentioned, i'm leaving for vacation tomorrow morning. andy & i are going snowboarding in utah. i fricking love utah, except for the low-gravity beer. we'll be at the canyons for 2 days and then we are meeting up with some buddies for more craziness down-valley. peace out dudes.

i love gooooooold

sunday (yesterday) i did something that i don't usually do: i sat on my ass in front of the tv [and watched tv] the entire day. i got sucked into this stupid "the lottery changed my life" mini-series on tlc which was pretty entertaining, but the ads during the commercial breaks were all for those gold buyback programs which are pretty damn annoying. you know the ones: "i had no idea my gold jewelry was worth so much money!" here is a snippet from one of those commercials, starring possibly the most frightening woman alive. woman? i bet you already know what i'm about to show you...



and omg they totally trick you into watching the commercial because the first woman is attractive. then they pull the ol' bait and switch. oh and don't get me started on the 3rd lady - "i got more money than i ever imagined!" really. more than you could *ever* imagine? anyway now i'm getting into advertising tactics, but my point is that i'm extremely frightened by the 2nd lady. i think i'll have to check under my bed for monsters before i go to sleep.

damn i love me some tv

oooh, oooh! tv time. it is the bestest time. right now i am trying to blog whilst watching the finale of america's next top model. eh, who am i kidding. i can't do *anything* and watch antm at the same time. this show gets 100% of my attention. so, i'll be back in a bit.

--

alrighty. tyra just crowned another winner of antm and i am sad because once again there will be this huge void in my life... so thank goodness there are more shows to watch:

• the biggest loser
  
  this show makes me feel skinny and awesome. there's a lady on this season (the family edition) - vicky - and she pisses me off so bad. she's this hulking, manipulative troll, and while she is looking better since she's dropped some serious poundage, she is as mean as ever. also, she has a son named chance. i have a problem with that. i think it's a good name for a dog, not a human. unfortunately vicky is doing well in the game much to my (and my friend naomi's) dismay. naomi & i have gotten into this groove of emailing each other our frustrations over the show, usually right after it airs. here's a snipppet:
  
  "omg...vicky. i despise her! everytime she opens her mouth or does one of her evil looks i have to turn to brandon and say "WHAT A BITCH!" she needs a beat down..... i will be anxiously waiting for her to be voted off. and yes, heba is a retarded fat cow and she is next in line on my hate list."
  
  dude. harsh. naomi, you are a bad, bad girl.
  
  
• stylista
  
  ah. another elimination challenge show. this gem is from the makers of top model and project runway and is a huge waste of time. which means i'm watching it. the contestants are vying for an internship as a fashion editor at elle magazine. think the devil wears prada as a reality show.
  
  
  
• paris hilton's my new bff
  
  this really needs no explanation. and i am not going to apologize for watching this.
  
  
• the real housewives of atlanta
  
  they've got more money than they've got sense, but i'll still watch 'em on tv. the show follows 5 ladies from atlanta (well, metro) and features footage of their day-to-day activities, relationships, and personal projects. all of it is complete rubbish. all of these gals have personal assistants, chefs and stylists, but one actually has a personal shoe salesman. i can understand having a chef, a maid, and all that, but come on. makes me sick because that shoe dude probably makes way more $$ than i do. he's gotta be laughing all the way to the bank. so one chick (the only white one) is an aspiring country singer which makes absolutely no sense because she can't sing, oh but wait, she knows dallas austin and she thinks he's actually going to produce her album. she's totally nasty. as my brother would say, "money can't buy class." the lady with the shoe man is trying to launch a clothing line, and it's laughable because she just pays other people to do the work - as in, she has to hire someone to sketch for her since she is obviously talentless, and you better believe another person does the sewing, and then someone else does marketing, etc. most of the show focuses on how they are all two-faced backstabbing whores. they insist they all knew each other before the show, but i'm not buyin' it.
  

wow is that it? i seem to be slacking on the number of series i am watching. oh, i was totally watching project runway season 5 and top design, both on bravo, and both are over now. this was my first season watching project runway and i'm an addict now. top design was stupid but i got sucked in early so i had to finish it out. right. now i'm just waiting for the apprentice to return and i will be happy.

poo

andy and i are watching the colbert report (like, right now) and he just mentioned this awesome story about inflatable feces. i usually pay close attention to news headlines, but this one escaped me somehow:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/entertainment/7558129.stm

i don't like random-ass babies

the people that run this google blogger site are mocking me with photos of babies when i log in... and you know how much i love random babies. yikes. here's a screenshot:



i heard an audio clip on the bert show (q100) of anderson cooper talking about how bad "living lohan" is. i tried watching it when it first aired and it was so bad, and i love those kind of shows. but this one sucks so bad. good ol' anderson cooper shares my sentiment:




*this video may be hard to watch/listen to if you are annoyed by kelly ripa. waaaaay to perky for me*

my brain is turning to mush

now that american idol is over for a while (as well as america's next top model) you may be wondering what kinda of trash i'm watching these days. here are the shows, in no particular order:

1. so you think you can dance - like american idol, but more entertaining. i like this show a lot more than ai primarily because i can't dance, and am impressed by good dancers. not as impressed by people that can sing, because i can sing pretty well. it's the truth. you should hear my shakira impression.

2. the bachelorette - ah, deanna pappas. she's from newnan (?) and of course i saw her get rejected by stupid jerkface brad womack on the previous season of the bachelor. this girl is gorgeous. i would totally go gay for her, assuming she would have me. *omg is she kidding?*

3. legally blonde the musical: the search for the next elle woods - stupid, but when has that stopped me from watching something?

4. hell's kitchen - have been a fan of this show from the start, but this season is the worst yet. chef ramsay's trademark is that he's verbally abusive while still being somewhat humorous and light-hearted, but this season he's just plain mean. i'm still waiting for chef to call someone a donkey.

5. 30 days - apparently this is the 3rd season of this series, but i've never seen it. it's by morgan spurlock, the dude that did the supersize me documentary about mcdonalds. much different than the other shows i'm watching, as it explores real social issues - a nice contrast to the other crap i watch.

6. last comic standing - each season of this show seems to be worse than the one before, but it's still watchable.

7. farmer wants a wife - on the cw network. this show sucks, but it's better than living lohan (ugh, i'll never get that time back). the guy up for grabs is extremely unattractive. i'm actually watching it right now online - it's so bad it doesn't deserve space in the dvr.

and before you think i'm a total idiot, i should probably mention that i read enough books to counteract all the brain-mushifying. but i also read people magazine religiously, which kinda mushes it up some more. oh well. if you have any book suggestions, i wanna hear them. needs to be something substantial. like, i've never read one hundred years of solitude, but i kinda don't even wanna risk it just in case it really sucks. so let me know.

i spent way too much time gathering photos for this post

i have this ability, or, "thing," where i can look at someone and almost instantly name the famous person who looks a lot like them. i'm not sure if you'd call that a talent, but a lot of people find it pretty remarkable. and pointless. alright, i guess it's not a talent. for me it's like a mission. i can't rest until i figure out where i've seen that face before. for instance, i'm watching the bachelor on tv these days and i have found some look-a-likes among the bunch:

1. kristine & leann rimes

2. ashlee & leelee sobieski

3. robin & tina majorino
4. kelly & beth broderick
5. carri & kelli pickler
6. michelle & lynsey bartilson


some of these are pretty obvious, so i don't really consider myself all that smart for being able to identify the celebrity look-alike. other girls only show resemblances through specific facial expressions or when their faces are shown at certain angles. the only photos of the bachelorettes i could get were from the official website since the show hasn't been on for very long. you should watch the tv show so that you can see the look-alikeness for yourself.

i'm not familiar with any scholarly research published on the subject of human facial structure and recognition, but i'm pretty sure i've come across something that offered the idea that there is (are?) a finite number of combinations of facial features among humans. which means that we've all got at least one "twin" out there somewhere. oooooo. there's probably a ton of people who look like me running around; one of them happens to go to my dentist. i've never seen her, but one of the receptionists told me about her. i wonder if i'd even recognize her as looking like me though...hm.

update

here is what's been going on:

1. recently moved. my room is a mess. stuff everywhere. it's killing me.
2. went to snowshoe, wv march 5-9. photos are here.
3. signed up for an ultimate frisbee league through atlanta flying disc club. did this mainly so i don't have to drive 35 miles to get my ultimate fix. plus, any form of exercise i can get is a good thing, because i hate going to the gym. blah.
4. still on a quest to save the planet. my new room mate does not recycle. his kitchen trash is always full of recyclable things. he has agreed to purchase some bins so i can collect the millions of bottles and cans he & he friends go through. seriously, you should see the 'fridge. i'll photograph it soon and post it here.
5. accused of stealing swag at work. wtf. just because stuff is on my desk doesn't mean i'm taking it home. and even if i was to take it home, i don't think you could call it "stealing."
6. craving willy's. haven't been there in like, two weeks. unbelievable! i will not allow myself to go tonite, only because i had chinese buffet for lunch and i don't think i can justify two indulgences in one day.
7. reality tv is consuming my life. i am watching: american idol, girlicious, america's next top model, the celebrity apprentice, beauty & the geek, and the bachelor. thank goodness both andy and chris (the new roomie) have dvr things.

some thoughts as i decide whether or not i should take a nap before hockey

not worth it: the restaurant "six feet under" in midtown. i cannot speak for the original on memorial drive, for i have never eaten there. andy & i went to this joint for someone bday. i got this combination fried seafood basket for $13. the waiter brought it out and andy thought it was someone's appetizer. now, i know that as americans we are all used to oversize portions, but i seriously could have put away two of those things no problem, in addition to my small salad. also, they don't have red stripe beer, and you pretty much have to use their valet parking service (says "complimentary" but we all know what that means). the atmosphere of the place isn't bad, and apparently andy's entree was quite delicious, but i say save your money and hit up captain d's for the fried stuff.

loser: luke menard on american idol. not only does he seem kinda lame, but he's not even that good *and* he makes himself out to be pretty boring. each week the am. idol production team interviews the contestants and then airs a portion of each before the solos. this week the idols were supposed to share something about themselves that "america" might be surprised to know. to me, this means talk about stuff other than singing. one guy said "i drag race cars." another said he's a competitive tennis player, and one dude admitted to being addicted to crossword puzzles. so this luke guy elaborates on how he's in this all boy "a cappella" group. ok, we already know you like to sing. i wanted to hear stuff about an emu ranch or a sixth toe, i dunno, something unusual and well, non-lame.

pathetic: maybe you've heard of the "connecticut school of broadcasting" from their ads on q100 and the former 99x. i recently got a mailer from them. if this school had any credibility, it's lost most of it now, because the ad reads "CBS" rather than "CSB" in one place and mentions "perspective students." oops.

amusing: t mobile store on windy hill (in the complex with barkers red hots & nice cafe) is called "center of wireless." seems to me that store's owner is a native spanish-speaker.